Welcome, Fellow Traveler on this journey called Life! Maybe the title of this book should be Are You On The Way To Where You Always Wanted To Be? When we think about where we are in Life, we all tend to focus on our current place as if it were to last forever. “I am in dire straits,” “I am on top of the world,” “We are at loggerheads.” Life, however, is a journey, and the only constant in Life is change. While my fundamental quest is to get to where I want to be, it is with the understanding that walking the path is more important than reaching the final destination.

Let us start with four premises that you already know deep inside. First, picture an hourglass. Time is slipping by, like the sand in an hourglass. You have noticed that you need to do something before it’s all over, right? This is a lesson you should have learned by now. You have this book in your hand because you are a seeker.

Here is the second premise. Human society has been around for tens of thousands of years. More than 1,000 generations of humans have walked the earth. Yet, it seems that each and all of us have to learn the most important lessons from scratch.

Here is the third premise. About 110 billion humans have existed throughout history. Of those, very few have left traces of their existence, apart from a few bones maybe. And, sadly, there are humans who have left a negative legacy. Names like Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Pol Pot come to mind. Let’s not even name any of the serial killers or psychopaths who wreaked havoc throughout history and are unfortunately remembered today.

Yet, there were some that have lived on through the ages, even though we may not always know their names. There is the Mitochondrial Eve, a female who lived between 234,000 and 82,000 years ago somewhere in East Africa. She is the “matrilineal most recent common ancestor” (mtMRCA) for all living humans. She is the mother of us all and thus a huge genetic success. Some person in ancient Egypt must have thought that it would be a great idea to build a gigantic tomb in the form of a pyramid, thus spawning creativity and engineering genius to build it. The words of a preacher called Jesus Christ have survived for 2,000 years. Around the year 1200, Genghis Khan conquered a large part of Central Asia and China. By the way, he left quite a number of children. One genetic study, albeit without the benefit of his actual DNA, calculated that about 16 million of Genghis Khan’s descendants are alive today. The music of one Johann Sebastian Bach has delighted listeners for hundreds of years and will likely continue to do so for as long as humans exist.

Thus, the fourth premise is that even one small being among the 110 billion that have ever lived can make a positive difference in the world.

You are a Fellow Traveler on this journey called Life. Like me, you have read all the books, including The Secret, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, Who Moved My Cheese?...  –you name it. You have attended countless seminars. Yet, you have not achieved the results you desire. You had hoped to get to the Promised Land through those books or seminars, yet they were not the ticket.

While I will be eternally grateful to Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, and the likes, all that they provide is a map that may point in the right direction. I did attend Tony Robbins’ “Firewalk” seminar. I walked over burning coals! Now, I thought, Life will finally give me all that I’ve been hoping for. No, not really. Where did I end up after walking on fire? Simply at the other side, which looked just like the place where I started. The self-declared gurus teach you to “seek first to understand, then to be understood,” or “you need an RPM plan” or that “thoughts become things.” What does that really mean for you? Has Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus gotten you a single date? I sincerely doubt it.

You are a seeker and you seek to get where you want to be. Here is how your journey will go if you are unprepared. You follow the yellow brick road for 100 miles until it ends at the river. There you yell three times “ho, ho, ho!” at the Ferryman, then pay him a silver dollar to take you to the other side. A deep, dark forest awaits you where you must slay the dragon that is guarding the entrance. You will find neither water nor food during your walk through the deep, dark forest, and once you reach the end of it, you must climb up a misty mountain to get to the enchanted castle. Breathlessly you enter, run up the stairs of the highest tower, push open the heavy oak door, and there she is on the chaise longue, the most beautiful princess in the whole universe – Sleeping Beauty. You bend down to kiss her lips. She opens her eyes and looks at you lovingly with her bright blue eyes, as blue as the Mediterranean Sea. Her long black hair falls temptingly over shoulders left bare by her strapless dress, and she purrs: “Bienvenidos, Caballero. Te estuve esperando por cien años. Hazme el amor como si fuera la primera vez.” No English subtitles here. This is real Life, not a movie. What? You gotta be kiddin’! She doesn’t speak English. She, too, is taken aback by your inability to communicate in Spanish, but since she hasn’t been kissed in a 100 years, she is trying hard to work things out. In the meantime, the entire castle has come to life. She takes you downstairs to the courtyard where the stablehands have saddled two beautiful stallions, the white one for the Princess and the black one for you.

Unfortunately, you have never been on a horse before. The helpful stablehands eventually lift you onto the horse and your pants rip, revealing your scrawny legs and the worn-out underwear you bought on sale at K-Mart. You fall off the horse before you’re even out the gate. Fortunately, the friendly stablehands get you back on the horse in no time. After falling off the horse several more times, you eventually make it to the destination, the local salsa dance club. Now you remember that you do not know how to dance, especially not salsa. The Princess has had enough of you and dumps you for the fabulous-looking kid with the slicked-back hair. Suddenly, as the kid takes her hand and draws the Princess onto the dance floor, you feel the rage of years past coming up from the stomach, and all the lost opportunities pass rapidly before your eyes. Not Again. No way, José! You grab the kid’s arm. Unfortunately, the kid knows karate, which you realize when you hit the dirt right outside the salsa dance club. Without further ado, you decide that this place is not for you, and start your long trek back to your sofa, your TV remote control, and your frozen dinners in the fridge.

Stay with me. I don’t want that to happen to you. I will make sure your trip to the Promised Land is the greatest you have ever taken. I will tell you to learn Spanish before you go, how to kiss the Princess’ lips, how to ride a horse, and how to have her succumb in your arms on the dance floor. And yes, you will know self-defense in case that kid tries to pick her up. If you never actually set foot on the Promised Land, you will at least, just like Moses, catch a glimpse of it and make the journey.

Now you think: Oh Anonymous, come on. All the fun is to be found on the Internet. “Second Life” is great. I can live someone else’s life without regrets, and nothing can happen because that avatar does not even exist. Also, there is lots of love and affection to be found on all those dating websites.

So you think. Do you know Plato’s Allegory of the Cave? If not, you will soon, so keep it in the back of your head. What you see on TV and on the Internet are the mere shadows of real Life. I’ll explain in just a moment.

You think I am not looking hard enough on the Internet? There is a website right on point, called www.makelifemorefun.com. Here are the great suggestions “to make life more fun” that I found when I checked it on April 18, 2009:

• “Join Gamefly” (This is for a Netflix-like service for renting video games.)

• “Play Carcassonne online” (To play an online Internet board game.)

• “Make things to give away for free” (Escape the need to receive a return or profit for everything you do.)

• “Become a Swinger” (No, not THAT kind of swinger, you pervert! It is about swinging back and forth on a swing set. I am serious, that is the recommendation on that website – check it for yourself if you don’t believe me.)

You get the idea. If this is the most fun in Life, I would have killed myself years ago and donated my body to science. Come to think of it, people who find such suggestions “make life more fun” should probably donate their bodies to science right now, because they are basically dead.

And sorry, unless you are gay, you will not find gratuitous sex on the Internet. Women simply don’t put ads for that on the Internet because that is simply not what they are looking for in Life.

Let me tell you about my motivation to put this book together. I am a member of America’s most hated profession, but it does not matter much. You may find yourself reflected in this book if you are a government employee, a shoe salesman, or a primary school teacher.

In my case, I realized that being a lawyer is a bad job no matter how you slice it. You start with a problem, that’s why the client comes to see you. Payment is not guaranteed. Lawyers are not as smart as they think; only doctors have been able to put in place an insurance system to ensure they get paid each and every time they work. Many times you are up against nasty opposing counsel.

It took me many valuable years of my Life to figure out that there is a dissonance between the Life Plan I had for myself and what my lawyer life gives me. Years ago, I tried to write a book about it. The title was:

 You turn to the next page, and there is the answer:

I did not get far. The 553 publishers whom I showed the manuscript all agreed that two pages was just a teeny-weeny bit too short, despite the profound and inherently true message. Sadly, my attempt to prevent hundreds of thousands of college kids from committing the biggest mistake of their lives failed.

So I went back to the drawing table. I started with the basics, what I am really looking for in Life. My Life Plan is to get along with others; find friendship and fulfillment, love, affection, and yes, lots and lots of interesting interchanges of bodily fluids (I should not use the word sex too often); develop myself; and be in great physical shape. In short, enjoy this one Life as much as possible. When I die, I wish to leave a lasting, positive legacy. This Life Plan, still in draft form after all these years, resulted in my quest to make the most of Life.

This book summarizes my quest and what I have found along the way. No, “seek first to understand, then to be understood” (or some other gobbledygook) will not make you friends, help find your soulmate, or get you love. Playing guitar or being a stand-up comedian will. The reason is simple, as you will find out. If you have game, people (and particularly members of the opposite sex) will pay attention to you. They will be favorably inclined. In fact, they will be in positive anticipation, “at their best.” That is the time when you want to interact with other people.

I am not telling you that there is just one way to get to the Promised Land, and chances are you are very different from me. I look at it this way. I happen to practice karate, but I have trained in other martial arts in the past. At this point in my Life, I find that karate is the best martial art for me. However, I respect all other martial arts equally. When you need to defend yourself and know any martial art, you will probably do better than someone who doesn’t, regardless of what martial art you know, be it aikido, judo or kung-fu. Whatever you make of this book, I sincerely hope it gives you something that works for you.

Some of my recommendations are XXX-rated and cannot be printed in full. As much as I love to share what I have learned, I cannot put down on paper what would put me in jail, classify me as a public enemy, or endanger other fellow travelers on this journey. But you can read between the lines, right? If you are a smart kid, you can figure out the rest.

There are certain themes that you will encounter over and over in this book. Among them: Getting more out of Life depends on your mindset. Love and affection is good; get it whenever and wherever you can. But to do that you need to be in great physical shape. A personal trainer and martial arts help greatly in this regard. To increase the pool of copulation partners, I recommend developing your artistic streak, such as playing music or practicing stand-up comedy. No, you are not too old to start. Knowing foreign languages greatly increases your circle of friends. I know, I am asking you to do actual work, but if you want someone to guide your footsteps, you must be willing to move your feet.
 
By the way, you may say that “this is only for men.” While my opinions reveal my male point of view, there is no reason why all of this should not apply to women. Yes, men and women are different and think different, but in the end all of us are trying to make the most of this existence.

If you are a man, let me ask you a question. Please let all women know your answer. Have you ever encountered a woman who is a great entertainer and can tell jokes that make you crack up and roll around uncontrollably on the floor? Have you ever met a woman who transforms into a shining star on the dance floor? Have you ever met a woman who sits down at the piano and plays one of Rachmaninoff’s piano concertos like she were his sister? Do you still remember her? Sure you do. Did you by chance see that Michael Jackson tribute This Is It? Then I am sure you remember that hard-rocking blond girl on the electric guitar. Her name is Orianthi Panagaris, by the way. And yes, she is so hot, she can iron my shirts with her bare hands.

My point is that every man is greatly impressed by a woman who develops her talents. No man is impressed by a wallflower. “Oh my God! I just luuuv how she hides behind that overweight friend of hers!” No, sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

I would love to turn you into a hellcat like me overnight, but that takes years. You cannot climb a tall mountain at once. You have to get ready for it and start out at the base camp. You will work your way up higher and higher, get accustomed to the thin air, and eventually reach the top. We will proceed the same way. Before we get to the attractions in the Promised Land, we will jointly set up a base camp. The first step is the why, or what will happen if you don’t make it to the Promised Land. In the course of our journey together, you will take a closer look at yourself and whether you are ready to climb the mountain. You may have to lose a few pounds in the form of losers who are hitching a ride on your back. And remember that time, not money, is the most precious resource. Time is absolutely irreplaceable, and the clock is ticking. I will give you my recommendations for upping your game, such as getting rid of your damn TV (because time is too precious for that), learning a foreign language, a musical instrument, stand-up comedy, and photography. To meet more and interesting (and more interesting) people, playing an instrument or being a stand-up comedian or [insert your own artistic inclination here] helps greatly. Importantly, you need to meet those people under circumstances where people are at their best. No, you won’t meet interesting people in Internet chat rooms. You will eventually come up with ideas that are more closely tailored to the type of person you are.

Because I am telling you what I have found during my own quest, forgive me for hiding behind my lawyer’s skirt. I also needed him to put everything on paper, he is a much better writer than I am. All events and adventures described herein are true, but I have changed places, names, and dates to protect identities. Otherwise I (and many others) would be run out of town by peasants with torches and pitchforks.

Anonymous, in an anonymous place, February 2010